And, I am angry. I expected to be sad, upset, frustrated-but I did not expect to be so MAD.
The birth mom and dad decided to try parenting. They have been living in housing provided by the adoption agency, and they have been receiving counseling. So, I feel that they did not take their decision lightly. I, however, feel a little taken for a ride. The birth parents do not have jobs or a home. They do not have a car. But, they will have a baby.
I feel silly-silly for buying some new baby clothes and silly for the Christmas presents for the new baby in the closet upstairs. I feel silly because I had my mom buy me a Boppy newborn lounger, and even sillier that I actually started packing a bag for the new baby for our trip to Utah to pick her up.
I know it is normal to have mixed emotions-but it is so strange to feel such a sense of loss over someone who was never yours-someone you never had a relationship with.
Yes-this too shall pass. In the meantime, this just sucks.
Yes-It has been awhile. AND...I don't want to hear it. I am lucky to remember where my own head is....seriously. I started a new job at the beginning of the year. I travel now-more than I did with my previous job. And, HK is now 22 months old. And, she is willful. And by willful, I mean-she is most likely entering what we lovingly refer to as "the terrible two's." So, I have been busy.
Then, about 3 weeks ago, we got "the call." We put in a profile for adoption with our agency in July. They told us it would probably take 1-2 years to get another baby. The second week of October-ring ring! We have been chosen by a birth mom and dad. She is due December 1st. I am a nervous wreck.
Imagine someone tells you that you are, surprise!, pregnant, your baby is due in a month-but you may miscarry. Yep-harsh and abrupt-but that is my life right now. So, did I mention that I have a new job? And I am apparently 8 months pregnant? And-I am giving birth halfway across the country? And- it is a girl? And-we cannot agree on names?
So-I use my blog to vent. Writing out my worries and stresses has always seemed to help me.
And-so does shopping. But not real life store shopping. When I see what I like-I like it. Enough Said. No shopping around. My job is done. I see-I like-I buy. So-I need a few new baby things. And...du du duhhhhhhhh-I have to move little miss HK into a BIG GIRL room. Seriously. My little red headed precious angel has to grow up a little bit-and I am not sure I am ok with that. She sleeps in her crib just fine-and I don't want her to feel like she is being booted out of her room. Ohhhh-the stresses.
So-I ordered her bedding today-I have been internet shopping and real store shopping with no luck. But, my mom in law mentioned that she saw some cute stuff in the new Pottery Barn kids catalog and WALL-AH I found a WHOLE room that I like! So, new big girl room is ordered. I am excited---and sad.
So, if you don't hear from me for a little bit-please please please forgive me. I am sure there will be much more to blog about when I am sleep deprived.
In the meantime, please pray that all goes well with our upcoming adoption. This one has been a little more stressful than the last simply because I know what I stand to lose.
As I have stated many a time before, I have been a weight gaining machine for about a year now. I had a physical with my doc, and again, my weight is up. So, I have decided that it MUST be my thyroid coupled with my high doses of prednisone. But, I have always been able to, ummm, "diet" for a few weeks and see a decrease in my mid-section. Not this time. Sooo....
It has to be a very serious thyroid condition. Very serious.
So, I inform the doc that we have to run tests. Now, if you know me, needles are NOT my thing. Like, I turn into a six year old when the nurses come in with all of their needle gear. I even ask for the numbing stuff-yes, the stuff they give to elementary school kids. For some reason, the nurses never oblige.
Anyhoo-they proceed to take all of the blood out of my body. I head home and await the results-because I KNOW that I have a sluggish, lazy thyroid.
The results come back-thyroid is fine. Perfect in fact. WHAT?!?!
But, I am vitamin D deficient. So, I ask the doc, "Does vitamin D deficiency make you fat?" Apparently, no.
So, I have just won myself 15 weeks of vitamin D pills. And, his recommendation for my "condition?" In writing it says-eat right and exercise.
Bummer. HUGE bummer. I guess someone finally told my body and my metabolism that I am officially in my thirties.
I just started a new job. Many moons ago, I worked as a national sales rep for a small cookie company. This required me to travel the entire country. Then, I moved to a large food company. I still had to travel, but most of that travel was driving. I was not required to take many flights. I have now come full circle-I now have a job that requires both. Many flights, much driving.
And, there are many things that you learn while out and about. For instance, today, I am in North Carolina. Here, the speed limit varies from 70 mph to 55 mph on interstates 77 and 40. What was so weird was that most people actually went the speed limit. No one cut me off, or rode my rear, or gave me a dirty look, or whipped around me and then in front of me to make a point. People actually slow down to let others merge-it is quite a different world here from Nashville.
I have also learned that travel has changed since my last days of airport life. When you travel quite a bit, you learn that carrying on your luggage is the way to go. That is how I used to travel. Then 911 happened, and the carry on rules changed. Since then, I usually check my luggage for a few reasons.
1. I am now officially middle age according to my father, and consolidating a carry on with my travel entertainment, laptop, purse, and suitcase into 2 pieces small enough to qualify as carry on luggage is a challenge. Carrying these bags through the airport, down the jet way, down the plane aisle without knocking out an already seated passenger is yet a greater challenge. And then there is the whole fit the bag under the seat in front of you and fit another in the overhead compartment. This is not only a work out comparable to the spanx workout, but it is not attractive. Then I fall into my seat sweating and wondering how in the heck someone thought that the puff of air out of the nozzle over your head is enough to keep you from passing out.
2. I carry a lot of liquids. As I mentioned I am apparently farting dust, so I have to carry lots of moisturizers, lotions, hair products and other essentials to try and hide my age and fatigue from getting all of these bags to the gate in the first place, to the rental car shuttle, into the rental car office, to the rental car, loaded into the car, loaded out of the car at the hotel, hauled to my hotel room...do you see why liquids are a necessity??
So-my current coworkers convinced me that carrying on your baggage is the way to go. I was hesitant. My new boss and I were in the security line 2 weeks ago - me relatively bagless and looking like an easy traveler, he carrying his bags (and making it look relatively easy, for the record). Boss man pulls out a baggie with his toiletries and liquids in it. He is bald-he does not need many products. He and another co-worker keep telling me to just get some travel size products and the empty 3 ounce containers they sell now to fill up with my products. Makes life so much easier, they say.
After waiting 30 minutes for my luggage, I decided that they might be on to something.
I went to Target and spent $100 on every travel size I could find. I bought travel size products, empty bottles to fill, empty spray bottles, and even bought the special glad Ziploc baggies that say "flight approved." I was not taking any chances. The day before my trip, I spent an hour repacking my toiletry bag. I filled empty bottles with my shampoo, my lotion, my body sprays. I got out my label maker and made sure I had each bottle labeled. I put them all into a special place in my suitcase so I could pull it out quickly at security.
Off I head to the airport. I went to the expert traveler line - I am an expert. I mean-look at the baggie organization. So I begin the security process-I took off my shoes, my coat, took out my laptop, and - drum roll - took out my baggies. I proceeded through the detector and over to the conveyor to get my baggies and carry on's and begin redressing and repacking.
This security officer peaks over the conveyor and asks, "Ma'am, is this yours?" He is pointing to my pristine baggie assortment. "Why yes, it is," I reply, beaming. He looks at me and says, "You can only have ONE baggie." I look at my baggie collection- four baggies to be exact. I could only blankly stare. ONE???? Who on God's green earth can fit everything into ONE QUART SIZE BAGGIE. Absolutely ridiculous.
He let me through-but told me that I would have to consolidate for next time.
I do not know if it is worth it, but I know that there are certain things that I cannot live without both in my beauty regime and in my travel regime. In fact, I think my next posting is going to be on my travel necessities.
Anyhoo-lesson learned. Apparently you cannot bring unlimited amounts of liquids onto a plane if you divide them among 40, 3 ounce containers. So, I sit here in a NC hotel room, and I am off to repackage my liquids....again.
So, it has been awhile. But I feel like I have some pretty good excuses. I just left the company I had been with for almost 8 years for a new one - not to mention that this transition occured during the holidays. AND...HK turned one. Yes, it is true. She is officially one.
We celebrated the occasion by throwing a Winter One-derland party. I loved the play on words, but I then had to come up with a way to make this theme come to life. I feel like this post is very "Patra," a dear friend of mine who is Martha Stewart times a million. I certainly hope that I can live up to her standards. Just check out her decor and you will know what I mean.
So-here are some decor pics from little miss's first birthday party! We had a few friends over and immediate family and kept it small-it was perfect!
We spray painted tree branches silver and hung snowflakes and pictures of HK. At the front door, we had a Wishing Tree and everyone was asked to write a message, wish or hope to HK and hang on the tree. (thanks mom-she did all of the hard work-the spray painting!)
The final wishing tree with all of her wishes! I am going to string these together into a booklet for her.
These were the favors/slash activity for the party-little snowflakes to decorate and take home.
Some more decor and painted branches. I filled glass vases all over the house with these.
We had a hot cocoa bar with all kinds of mix-ins and hot cider.
THE cake-need I say more? Dessert Designs is incredible-this had a layer of sour cream pound cake and a layer of chocolate truffle. INCREDIBLE.
Her little smash cake-she liked it, needless to say!
The birthday girl herself enjoying cake!!
I hope everyone is having a blessed new year! We certainly are!
Yesterday was one of those weird days. It was rainy and cold and it all made me want to curl up in my bed and do nothing. However, that is not possible since I have these responsibilities in life called a job, wifehood, and mommyhood. So, I put on my big girl panties and ventured out to sell soups.
I was working with a distributor foodservice rep. We were in an account, and I found myself looking at these people thinking, "Is this converstation really happening?" I was listening to a bunch of Northerners talk about what great deer jerkey they make. Really? "Oh yes," says one. "Stanley makes the best deer jerky. But, the deer down here taste different. You all don't let 'em get fattened up at all. If there is a deer standing there in front of you, you just shoot it. They taste like they are not quite done, or inbred, or something." I swear to the good Lord above, I witnessed this conversation with a Yankee as the speaker.
After my lesson in deer jerkey, I finally made it home and gave HK her bath before bed. She is pulling up on everything, but last night, she decided that she wanted to pull up on the side of the bath tub and stand. "No no," I kept telling her. She would smile and then do it again. I kept on, "no no, HK." I yelled down to Justin that his little girl was about to get in trouble. He comes to assist. He swats her hand as she reaches up to grab the handle to help her stand up. She sort of squwaks at him, and she keeps on trying.
I am trying to distract her and am realizing that we are at a crossroads here. It is one of the first times we have really been telling her not to do something. She is obviously willfull, as she keeps on and on and on again trying to stand up. I know that I cannot give in and have to keep being stern and consistent. She has to learn that there are boundaries and I am the boss.
Justin steps back and I put my hands on her face (you know, getting down to her level and all-very supernanny like of me), and tell her, "No no, HK" very firmly, and without a hint of a smile.
Little miss looks at me, and she starts belly laughing. Truly. I look at Justin, and he just lifts his eyebrows and looks at me-he is testing me and waiting to see what I do. I just looked at him-I have to say that I was most distraught over her reaction. I said to Justin, "I am mean and scary firm mommy, not funny mommy." And what did he do? He started laughing. I mean, come on people. I can be intimidating.
So, he leaves, and I got HK out of the bath. I am pretty certain that she did not learn a lesson from this at all.
I on the other hand learned that I need to practice my serious, stern face.
And, maybe stay in bed on days like this from now on and chew on some jerky.
Fall is here, and with it brings lots of busy days for us. We just successfully finished HK's first Halloween-with a costume party and some trick or treating.
We are gearing up for Christmas and HK's first birthday (can you believe it?!?)
And, we are beginning the adoption process-again.
And this time, it is just scarier and just all together WORSE. All of those same emotions are already beginning-the ones where you want to scream to the hills that it is just not fair, why do we have to be put under the microscope again, why do we have to pay more and more and more money for the same things that we just did a year and a half ago? Why do we have to get bank loans in order to afford a child-and not just the baby's education or super sweet sixteen party (yes, that is a joke), but we have to get loans to JUST GET THE BABY.
And it is scarier this time because I feel like we might have had "beginner's luck" the first go around. It seems like everything worked out just perfectly. And apparently that is rare. And I only think it is rare because after you tell people you have adopted, everyone has a horror story about a friend of a friend and her adoption and how it went horribly and everything fell apart-blah, blah, blah. Seriously, why do people do that?
So, it has made me think that you are most likely at some point going to have a botched adoption or at least a difficult one. And since I now want 4 kids, I guess I will have to buckle up. And get a helmet. And pray. And win the lottery. But, I get to be a mom, again.
It's just me-and all of my idiosyncrasies. I work full time, I am married, and I love my dog. We just adopted a baby girl. I am completely contradictory, I am a girlie girl, and I am impatient. I like breakfast for dinner. I like apples and peanut butter. I like wine. I like entertaining. I like sleeping. I like labels and I can be a b-with an-itch when I want to be or am pushed. I want to give my baby every opportunity in the world, and I want to teach her values and the rewards of hard work. I want more children and am scared to death of the uncertainties of adoption even though I have already done it. I love my husband. I hate that I weigh the most I ever have in my whole life. I want my husband to make a zillion dollars a year, and I want him to put up his laundry and clothes when I ask. I want what most people want-and here is my story-day by day!