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Friday, November 19, 2010

And so it goes...

So, today I "miscarried."

And, I am angry. I expected to be sad, upset, frustrated-but I did not expect to be so MAD.

The birth mom and dad decided to try parenting. They have been living in housing provided by the adoption agency, and they have been receiving counseling. So, I feel that they did not take their decision lightly. I, however, feel a little taken for a ride. The birth parents do not have jobs or a home. They do not have a car. But, they will have a baby.

I feel silly-silly for buying some new baby clothes and silly for the Christmas presents for the new baby in the closet upstairs. I feel silly because I had my mom buy me a Boppy newborn lounger, and even sillier that I actually started packing a bag for the new baby for our trip to Utah to pick her up.

I know it is normal to have mixed emotions-but it is so strange to feel such a sense of loss over someone who was never yours-someone you never had a relationship with.

Yes-this too shall pass. In the meantime, this just sucks.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Hi AGAIN!!!!!!!!

Yes-It has been awhile. AND...I don't want to hear it. I am lucky to remember where my own head is....seriously. I started a new job at the beginning of the year. I travel now-more than I did with my previous job. And, HK is now 22 months old. And, she is willful. And by willful, I mean-she is most likely entering what we lovingly refer to as "the terrible two's." So, I have been busy.

Then, about 3 weeks ago, we got "the call." We put in a profile for adoption with our agency in July. They told us it would probably take 1-2 years to get another baby. The second week of October-ring ring! We have been chosen by a birth mom and dad. She is due December 1st. I am a nervous wreck.

Imagine someone tells you that you are, surprise!, pregnant, your baby is due in a month-but you may miscarry. Yep-harsh and abrupt-but that is my life right now. So, did I mention that I have a new job? And I am apparently 8 months pregnant? And-I am giving birth halfway across the country? And- it is a girl? And-we cannot agree on names?


So-I use my blog to vent. Writing out my worries and stresses has always seemed to help me.

And-so does shopping. But not real life store shopping. When I see what I like-I like it. Enough Said. No shopping around. My job is done. I see-I like-I buy. So-I need a few new baby things. And...du du duhhhhhhhh-I have to move little miss HK into a BIG GIRL room. Seriously. My little red headed precious angel has to grow up a little bit-and I am not sure I am ok with that. She sleeps in her crib just fine-and I don't want her to feel like she is being booted out of her room. Ohhhh-the stresses.

So-I ordered her bedding today-I have been internet shopping and real store shopping with no luck. But, my mom in law mentioned that she saw some cute stuff in the new Pottery Barn kids catalog and WALL-AH I found a WHOLE room that I like! So, new big girl room is ordered. I am excited---and sad.

So, if you don't hear from me for a little bit-please please please forgive me. I am sure there will be much more to blog about when I am sleep deprived.

In the meantime, please pray that all goes well with our upcoming adoption. This one has been a little more stressful than the last simply because I know what I stand to lose.

Love to all!