Blonde Moments and Pink Necks

I sometimes hate to call myself out on my blonde moments, but sometimes I just cannot help it. Sometimes I am just funny.

So, on Sunday I am heading to the parents house with HK in tow to swim. I am listening to NASCAR radio-which in itself is absolutely hysterical. I am a girly girl to the max, but I have lately become a redneck girly girl because I have found a sport to follow (other that UT football, of course). My blood truly runneth orange, but my hubby and I attended a live NASCAR race a few years ago. I won a trip with my company that was called "Race to Vegas." Part of this package was the NASCAR race. I swore that I would not go-I mean, seriously, racing? Rubbin' is racin'? But, I had to go-I had customers to entertain.

So, we get on our private shuttle bus and make the trek to the racetrack while watching a behind the scenes NASCAR video. We arrive and are escorted to our private tent with a full buffet and open bar. Then, we make our way to the track with our pit passes...needless to say, it was quite the experience for a first-timer. After watching the race, listening on our headsets to the radio communications, and enjoying some beverages, I was a fan. In fact, Justin took me to a race for our anniversary a few years ago. So, I have become quite the redneck. Or, to make it more applicable to me, let's call it a pink neck.

So, back to my original blonde moment...On NASCAR radio, they are interviewing one of the drivers. They are talking about all of the high profile deaths last week-Farrah, Michael, Ed.... They are talking about the death of the day-a pitchman named Billy Mays. The driver comments that it has been such a sad week with the world losing all of these people.

I come in, thinking I have fresh gossip. I tell mom and dad that some baseball player just died-a Billy Mays. Mom says, "You mean Willie Mays?" I respond, "I thought he said Billy Mays? A pitcher??" Dad just kind of shrugs-he doesn't follow much baseball.

Two days later, I realize that it is the Oxiclean/Orange Glo/Kaboom guy. He is a PITCHMAN, not a PITCHER...simple mistake.

I crack myself up.

Elastic Shopping

I have to laugh. I have been complaining-loudly-about all of the weight that I have put on. I can only blame prednisone for so long. Apparently Justin has had enough. He is tired of listening to me, or so he says. I cannot imagine why he wouldn't want to hear me moan about being fat or help me put on spanx and yummie tummies. But, he says that he has put on a little, too. So, he thinks we should go to the mall to get some summer shorts that we can actually wear comfortably.

So, off we go. A shopping we will go......

Justin is not much of a shopper. He keeps disappearing in stores. As I search around, I discover a trend. If there is a chair, he is in it. If there is not a chair, find a ledge or even the front display window. There he sits, with a stroller in front of him. To his credit, he is not complaining. One of my favorite things about Justin is that he tries to help me shop. At least for a little while. Then he is over it.

But, on this day, he is doing pretty well. He is being a sport of a shopper for longer than usual. We have been to Dillards and Everything But Water to find bathing suits. Now we are hitting Gap for some shorts. I am searching around the store for some I like, and then I am searching for Justin to tell him that I am hitting the dressing room. I find him perched in the front display window. Justin, a stroller and mannequins.

He says, "Hey, hey...look over there. Those skirts." I think that he likes the skirts, so I look at them. I mean, if he is going to encourage me to purchase, I might as well entertain the idea. So, I look-nothing big. Not really interested. After all, I am turning over a new leaf-a thrifty leaf if you will. I am here for shorts, not skirts I don't need. I turn back around to tell him I will pass, and he is motioning and mouthing something. I step closer and he is saying, "You know Liz, because they are elastic." The word elastic is barely audible. He more mouths it than says it. "It would be comfortable." He looks so serious-like he is trying to help me but not let the others in the store hear him.

I could hardly contain my laughter as I made my way to the dressing room. I should have been offended. But, God love him-he has listened to me b-i-t-c-h for so long that he is even looking for items that will make me NOT bitch. And, all my complaining has conditioned him to look for clothes that are not form fitting. I really love this guy.

So, after I bought some shorts, I had to comfort myself with some gelato. Woe is me-let the diet begin! Again!

Birthday

I just celebrated my 29th birthday (again), and I got some of the COOLEST gifts this year! My birthday was actually a few weeks ago, but I have been so busy that I have not had time to grace you all with my presence. See, God Love all of you for putting up with me!

Back to my gifts, though. I really got some unique stuff this year. First of all, I have a Canon Rebel camera. It came with a lens. Apparently it was just a regular ole lens because I have discovered that there are lots of fun things you can buy to accessorize your camera. My sweet hubby got me a new lens-it zooms really far and takes the best pictures. I am becoming quite the photographer! So, I think I now have to start a lens collection of sorts. I had no idea how much fun camera accessories could be!

And, as we all know because I have complained about it unrelentingly, I have put on a few pounds. So, I got a Yummie Tummie. It is a tank top shaper that gets rid of the dreaded muffin top. Coolest thing ever! It comes in tees, tanks, camis, tube tops, and even a nursing tee. I got the "Freedom" design because it has a built in shelf bra. Really-between the yummie tummie and spanx, I am certain to pass out from lack of oxygen eventually. But really, the Yummie Tummie is quite comfortable. Check them out http://www.yummietummie.com/

And-the coolest of the cool present award goes to my mom. She got me a Kameleon ring. The kameleon line is basically interchangeable jewelry. The center pops out, and you purchase what they call the "jewelry pops" and replace the center of the setting. Wallah-a whole new piece of jewelry! LOVE IT!!!!! You can investigate this pure genious at http://www.kameleonjewelry.com/index.php

I am so blessed to be surrounded by such great gift givers! I got other fun things-a new party tub that we can fill with ice and put drinks in for guests, some gold earrings from my brother, and the most adorable wine glass that is hand painted with "Mom" on it! It is perfect for my cheap wine! Now, I will have to chill my wine in the party tub, drink it out of my Mom glass, and wear my Yummie Tummie and Kameleon ring so I look cool while doing it! Someone-grab the camera!

MIA

It has been awhile since I have updated. There has just been an awful lot going on.

Last week, I had my first overnight business trip since HK has joined the family. I knew she would be all right, I knew that Justin would be okay, and I thought that I would be fine. Well, I did manage to make it through the one night I was gone without hysteria, but I actually did think a few times that I was going to have a full on panic attack. I was NOT expecting that at all-I really thought I would be ok, but I will admit that I was a little sad and panicked at being away from home.

So, the next week, I have my next overnight, but this time I am gone for 2 nights. Everything is going much smoother, until I swell up like a hot air balloon. Let me back up-I have been swelling for the past week and a half to two weeks, but I am just chalking it up to the fact that I have come off of prednisone and it is a reaction. Well, I called my doc from out of town just to see if I can get an appointment for the end of the week when I am home again. The doc FREAKS out and tells me to get to an urgent care clinic immediately. So, I proceed to go to an urgent care clinic, and they would not touch me-told me to go directly to the ER. OK-what in the heck???

So, I drive all the way home to Nashville and go directly to Vanderbilt ER. Justin meets me. They take me to triage and take my blood pressure-it is 160/103. Seriously. Not kidding.

The nurse puts that little plastic tube thing in my vein so they don't have to keep sticking me (typing this is actually making my body hurt at the thought of it). I kind of start to panic about the whole idea of the needles and the tubes, so my nurse reverts to her Peds (yes, as in pediatrics) schpeel...she tells me, "honey, it is all right. I am just going to put a magic straw in your arm!" Now really, unless that magic straw is connected to some magic White Zin, I want nothing to do with your magic straw business.

After 7 hours at the ER, and blood tests, which I am NOT.A.FAN.OF.NEEDLES.AT.ALL, I am ok. All the tests came back fine. They do think that it is a side effect of the prednisone because all of this started when I ended the meds. I will live to see another day.

I will be honest here-I would not have even gone to the doctor had it not been for something a man said to me as I was debating what to do regarding my cankles. We had just been talking about kids, and I had told him that I had a 4 month old little girl. He looked at me and said, "You need to call the doctor and do what the doctor tells you to do. It is not about you anymore. You have someone else to think about now-you have a little girl who needs her mother to be ok and be there. You have to make sure that you are all right. She is depending on you." Wow. That is some food for thought. This is a whole new ball game.

So, as I am typing this, my hubby, my mom-in-law and my dad-in-law are working in the front yard-weeding, mulching, trimming...For Justin's birthday, they gave him a day of yard work. He actually took them up on it. So, I should feel guilty about sitting here while they all slave outside in the heat. However, when Justin and I got a house, we made a pact that the inside is mine and the outside is his. And, this is his gift-this is between him and his parents. This has NOTHING to do with me. I just get the cold waters when requested, and I did make hot dogs, pasta salad, and grapes for lunch. Ah-but doctor's orders-I must keep my feet up!

Before I Was A Mom

Someone sent this to me today, and I wanted to share it with all the wonderful moms out there. Happy early Mother's Day!!!!


Before I was a Mom,
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never been puked on. Pooped on. Chewed on. Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts. I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests. Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom,
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much...
before I was a Mom .

How Motherhood Changes You

We have all been sick for the past 2 weeks. YES-2 weeks. I have blown through-literally-boxes of tissues. Poor little HK is still stuffy. Justin did not run the marathon because of this lingering illness. Woe is me-I am tired of being ill. It is just a good thing that this whole pig sickness thing was not happening 2 weeks ago or I would have been convinced that we were swine flu victims.

So, we had our first outing yesterday evening since we have been house-bound for almost two weeks. Yes-we went to the mall. Parenthood sure does change things. We are getting ready to leave, and Justin tells HK that we are off to mom's old stomping grounds. I turn and look at him-I am truly perplexed. I am thinking, "We are making a stop at the bars?" I look at Justin and ask him what he is talking about. He says, "The mall." I responded, "Oh-I thought you meant that we were taking HK to a bar, and I was wondering when the plans changed." For the record, I was also thinking that I am NOT going to take her to a bar. This is a true story. Sad isn't it?

Then we are walking through the mall, and Justin says, "Where are you going to be? I need to run to the bathroom." My response? "Is it poop or pee?" Yes, these words just came out of my mouth before I realized what I was saying. He just looked at me and said, "OK-I am not HK, but if you must know, it is pee." Seriously, since when do I care about the specifics of his bodily functions? I don't now and I didn't before-it was just this new mom inbred response thing.

Oh-the joys of motherhood.

Havoc

So-I am paying bills this evening, entering each and every transaction into our monthly budget spreadsheet, when I come across the strangest entry. It reads "Havoc Heli NY."

See, Justin uses the credit card that pays you back a percentage for each charge. I use the airline card for points. Both good perks. We USED to only use the airline card, until they angered me. Angered is an understatement actually.

My mom told me that I could go anywhere for my 30th birthday. London, Ireland, Alaska-just her and me. I picked New York City. I have a facination with it. Maybe it is a Sex and the City thing, but I really love the feel of the city. Of THAT city. I had only been there twice before-once for work and once on a fantastic girls' trip with my mom in law and sisters. Both trips were just short enough to make me realize how much I was not able to do. So, I wanted to go back.

We shopped-we ate. In fact, we pictorially logged all of our meals. Here are a few of the highlights-

Found Grits in New York-and they weren't bad either!

Anyhoo-We also found Manolo. Now, you would think that the actual Manolo store would be adorned with roses and diamonds. Nope. In fact, I walked past it. It is a door with a little itty bitty sign-tiny sign. Seriously-I was looking for the store and walked past it. Have no fear, I found it after a bit of looking and did a little bit of damage. It was in doing this damage that the credit card people made me exorcist angry. They DECLINED my card in the middle of Manolo Blahnik. YES THEY DID. Why you ask? They thought the card was stolen. Now, you might think this is a nice perk-they look out for you as a customer of theirs. NO NO NO NO!!!!! I was in Target the week before (I am an equal opportunity shopper) and purchased an electronic for $400, and they declined the card then because they thought it was an excessive amount for a GROCERY STORE. WHAT?!?!?! Guess what credit card genius people? Target only started selling groceries-they have sold other things for a long time, including electronics. After 15 minutes on the phone in the check out line at Target verifying every county I have ever lived in, they allowed the transaction. So, I made a point to call and let the credit card company know that I would be in New York and that it was indeed my little self making purchases.

So, when they declined the card at Manolo, I politely excused myself to the loveliest court yard in the back of the store-yes...there is an actual little garden there!!!!...and yelled at the credit card people. It took 45 minutes and 3 phone calls for the transaction to finally go through. Talk about mortifying. Especially when a girl came in and tried on 4 pairs of shoes and told the sales clerk to send them home and pranced out. What a life. I want to go to her home and live in her closet undetected. Even after this debacle, the card was still declined at most other stores-Olive and Bette's, French Connection, Brooks Brothers...it just did not stop. So, I made sure to find a new credit card company when I got home. But, then I had a hard time giving up the airline miles. I mean, if I was not earning points, how would I get back to my favorite city to visit but not live in? So, I told myself that if it happened ONE MORE TIME, I would cancel the card. Guess what? It has not happened again-not even when traveling. I truly think they were testing me-messing with my account-so they could use my phone calls as training tools for the new folks. "Here is how to handle a completely indignant, irate customer who is being denied the most fabulous shoes in the world."

The WHOLE point of this is that Justin uses one card and I use another, and that is how that came about. So-I find this charge on his card and am very curious-he tends to be a pretty predictable charger-it is all food. And, not all kinds of food, but the same food. He eats the same things over and over and over again.

I put the description "Havoc Heli" into the google search bar. Up come these ads for this tiny little remote controlled helicopter. Seriously-this cannot be something that Justin ordered. I have never heard of this thing, and he is not a 10 year old boy. He is 34 years old and JUST had his birthday. He did NOT mention anything about wanting a Havoc Heli for a gift. The card must have been stolen. It had to have been. We are officially the victims of identity theft. We will be telling our story on tv one day. It will be about how I had to sell my Manolos to make money to cover the charges from our identity theft nightmare. We were sucked dry by people buying toys.

So, Justin gets home and I ask him, "Did you order something called a Havoc Heli?" I just know that he is going to tell me no or tell me that it is something for the yard and NOT really a mini helicopter. He just looks me right in the eye and says, "Yes." HUH? He continues, "Someone at work had one and it was the coolest thing. So, I ordered one." REALLY? First of all, what in the heck are you people doing with mini helicopters at work? Do you work in the 2nd grade at perpetual PE class? His eyes got HUGE, and he asks "Did it arrive!!??"

I say, "You just had a birthday" He says, "Yes, but this is something I wanted to do for myself. It is my birthday gift to myself."

REALLY......well, if that is how we do things.

Did I mention that my birthday is next month?