This has been quite the week. I have often used this blog to vent and express, but it truly is a means of therapy for me.
I have always loved writing-I was an English/writing major in college. It is the most effective way for me to express myself-especially since I often do not say the right words.
I have avoided writing about this topic this week because it is difficult - but I feel like I need to get it off of my chest.
My Nana is dying. She is in hospice. She will pass-soon. I saw her on Sunday, and she was fine. Justin and I took HK to visit with her. The weird part of this is that on Saturday night, I had this OVERWHELMING desire to visit with her on Sunday. Thank goodness we went because she was admitted to the hospital on Monday and was unresponsive and in hospice on Tuesday. How quickly life can be given and taken.
I have to explain a little bit about why this is weird. I love my Nana. I admire her more than I admire most women. She is strong-probably the strongest woman I have known. She has lived with demons that I cannot fathom. She raised 5 incredible children-one of whom is my father. She has a temper and a gentle spirit about her. She is sweet and kind and assertive. She is a complete contradiction of personality traits. I got this from her.
I am not as close to her as some of her other grandchildren, and I have a lot of guilt about this. I am just thankful that I have a relationship with her and that I became more comfortable with her in the last few years. I know that sounds strange - being more comfortable with her - but I learned to just accept her for who she is and not be uncomfortable or upset with her faults.
I am sad that I don't have more time. I am sad that she is young and is leaving us. I am sad that I won't get her homemade frozen custard or fudge at Christmas. I am sad that HK won't get to spend more time with her great grandmother. I am sad that we are losing such a strong woman.
I am grateful that I am like her. I am grateful that I have her recipes. I am grateful that I have pictures of her from Sunday with HK. I am grateful that she made me assertive. I am grateful that she always had ice cream in her freezer. I am grateful that she loved and accepted her entire family without reservation. I am grateful that I am organized and a clean freak like her. I am grateful that her temper and demeanor are legendary.
I am proud that she is my Nana. I will miss her tremendously.
It's just me-and all of my idiosyncrasies. I work full time, I am married, and I love my dog. We just adopted a baby girl. I am completely contradictory, I am a girlie girl, and I am impatient. I like breakfast for dinner. I like apples and peanut butter. I like wine. I like entertaining. I like sleeping. I like labels and I can be a b-with an-itch when I want to be or am pushed. I want to give my baby every opportunity in the world, and I want to teach her values and the rewards of hard work. I want more children and am scared to death of the uncertainties of adoption even though I have already done it. I love my husband. I hate that I weigh the most I ever have in my whole life. I want my husband to make a zillion dollars a year, and I want him to put up his laundry and clothes when I ask. I want what most people want-and here is my story-day by day!